Last week I was in REI returning my husband's Christmas gift, which is a yearly ritual for us. I give him something I know he is just DYING to own, and he opens in at Christmas, and says "I don't need this-the one I have is good enough", or similar comment; and within the week I find myself in the same store where I purchased this once-in-a-life-time 'find' returning it. Every year he tells me not to get him something; so these "return errands" are my own fault. Anyway, in REI I ran into this adorable couple with what I would guess was their three-year-old son. They were letting him try out a shiny red two-wheeler with training wheels.
We don't believe in training wheels at our house. Quite simply, and without going in to a long story about the subject, they are all wrong from a logic and physics perspective: they teach the wrong habits when it comes to learning the trick to balancing when learning to ride a bicycle. I really can't believe they still make the things. Now, USUALLY, I mind my own business, but I feel quite passionate about the training wheel issue. So initially I walked past the couple into the customer service location at REI, and thought, 'no, mind your own business' and returned my husband's gift lickety split, no hassles, and gosh...they were still there deliberating over this bicycle.
I couldn't help it. I said, "excuse me...may I tell you something about training wheels and teaching little ones to ride a two-wheeler?" I was fine with them saying, 'No, mind your own business lady' but they looked each other, shook their heads in agreement and tentatively said, "Sure." I told them that our first child was subjected to training wheels and struggled to learn to ride a bicycle, and I explained why. I then quickly said (because I felt they were already regretting their assent to listen to me), "then a friend of ours told us about the "trick" to teaching your child to ride a bike in less than an hour." You stand behind the child, on the bike, and taking hold of the back of the seat, tip the bike to the left or the right, very slightly, and tell them to turn the front wheel in the direction they are falling. THIS is how your brain learns to balance a bike. They looked at me, as if to say.... and ???? I said, "That's it!" No hours of running down the street, and worrying about them falling.
Let's apply this to boundaries, and how children develop healthy relationships.
From very early on, children learn behavior patterns based on their experiences with others. A baby, by God's infinite wisdom and design, is attracted to faces, and studies them. If they see many smiling faces, and have positive interactions, they begin forming patterns of relationships based on these experiences. These threads of early experience with others weave into the fabric that becomes our life's tapestry-it is our point of reference to which we refer over and over in order to recall, process and utilize to make decisions about others and our emotional and physical relationships for the future.
I have two grandchildren who are toddlers. One of whom, for whatever reason from the time she could walk, runs to me and throws her arms around my knees and hugs me gustily every time she sees me. I have learned, however, that she does not want me to then pick her up and hug her tight and smother her with kisses. I tried that once, and she pushed away, as if to say...'no, now that is taking it a little too far, don't you think? I gave you a hug, and that is the end of it.' The other, nearly the same age, upon her arrival and our same profuse greetings of smiles and hello's with arms held wide decidedly turns the other way clutching her mom or dad in a death grip, burying her head in their neck or chest, as if to say, 'no way! I don't know you THAT well!' Now. In their young parental wisdom the parents of the child in the second example do not dis-entwine their offspring, prying her off of their body in an attempt to hand her over despite her protests. They are disappointed, for sure, as they say something like, "Oh, Susie, these are your grandparents and they are really nice people who love you." Other than this there are no recriminations and no scenes. No threat of punitive action, or time outs, or any other similar retribution. We simply go about greeting one another as usual with hugs all around (between the parents and ourselves of course) and continuance of warm hello's and general camaraderie all around. We move on.
What is your goal for your child (children) or even yourself in terms of interactions with others?
Is it not honest, open and spontaneous, genuine interaction and relationships, which develop out of the trust this type of communication engenders? Is it not to learn appropriate boundaries with their emotions, opinions, and physical impulses where others are concerned? When and how do you think this develops? This development begins in infancy, of course.
Let's play out the other possible scene in the aforementioned encounter. Let's say these same parents, with the best of intentions, in response to their offspring's refusal to give gramma a hug, say, "Susie, you give your grandmother a hug right now!" and forcefully untangle her from their arms and necks like a sock sticking to a sweater with static cling and hand her over in protest. To which, the toddler begins kicking and screaming and smacks gramma in the nose and knocks her glasses off. Well, now you have drama!!! But, who created the drama? Well, mom and dad for not honoring a child's discomfort and boundaries, both physical and emotional; and, gramma, for not putting a stop to the nonsense by saying, "No-stop right there. She will come to me when she is ready." PLUS now YOU have created a discipline issue for your child, because no one wants his or her child to grow up to be the bully that hits everyone at the preschool, right? So you have to address the fact that she hit gramma. Hopefully, the parent does not choose to address this behavior with some type of corporal punishment. (THAT will reinforce the 'no hitting' rule!)
The point is, forcing any child to show attention or affection that they do not genuinely feel, or are not ready for, teaches them that their own feelings and boundaries don't matter. It teaches them that they can't trust those 'cautions' they feel, or equally distressing, that they can 'fake it' and make everyone pleased with them. In short, it teaches them dishonesty, and an imbalanced way of viewing relationships.
Training wheels...
Any adult that allows this latter scenario to unfold is saying, "My needs, or your grandmother's needs usurp your needs as a developing child".
Dictating or demanding that a child express physical affection or gratitude, and crossing of personal (both emotional and physical) boundaries is dishonest. This does not mean that you should suspend with the gentle and persistent teaching and modeling of gratitude and respect. However, insisting that he or she kiss gramma, or hug aunt gwen or cousin joey when she doesn't feel like it may plant the seeds of insecurity and/or insincerity in your child's human interactions. I still have visions of my little sister at the age of 10 being subjected repeatedly to my great aunt's overzealous slaps on the back at the same time she had a raging sunburn. Watching her wince in pain, I remember thinking, "Why doesn't someone STOP HER?!!" OR the time my pervy store manager called me up to his office and asked me to sit on his lap (one of my first jobs at the ripe old age of 16) and I obeyed because I had been taught to respect authority AND my elders and do what they asked of me. The second time he asked for this favor, I told him, "No, I have too much work to do." Yuck.
From my perspective in the grandparent's gallery?
I want the real deal.
I want my grandchildren, (and for that matter my children, my husband) to "mean it" when they say thank you, or demonstrate affection, or ask for forgiveness.
It needs to be their idea for it to be honest and genuine. If they DON'T want physical affection or closeness, then that is THEIR choice.
Each child is different, and unfolds into who they were meant to be at a different pace.
They must be allowed the space and time to develop trust and extend personal and emotional warmth toward others. I want those grandkids, when it is time to leave, run from the front door and clutch my knees and say, "No, I want gramma!" or "No, I want poppop!" At which point I will smile and say, "Oh, I am so glad you had a good time with us, but now you do what your mama and daddy are telling you to do and we will see you next time."
In closing, the grandchild who has been more cautious with her affectations had a break through on her last visit. We were downstairs playing with her cousin, and she hit her head on the side of a doorway while looking one direction and walking the other. It was a HARD smack. She ran straight for me, threw her arms around my neck and buried her face in my neck and sobbed with gusto. I was not happy that she had taken the thwack to the forehead, but her affection and trust in me at that moment meant more than I can ever begin to describe with words. Yep. I want the real deal, and if my hunch is right, so do you.
P.S. The technique for 'balance training' for a bicycle works on very young children (one of our kids was barely three when we applied this technique successfully). However, this only works if the child has not bypassed the tricycle/big wheel stage (if they still make those). The current trend is to first buy a BALANCE bike. The problem with that whole gimmick is that it doesn't teach kids the strength or coordination they need to pedal a two-wheeler. So, our advice would be this: If you can still get three wheelers in any form, don't bypass that. We had hours of enjoyment watching the tricycle parades with cans of muddy water and worms loaded on the back, and then the big wheel races up and down the sidewalks on long summer afternoons. Oh what fun we all had!
*see commentary in previous post
