Shout It From the Rooftops!

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been witness to a rich buffet of human interactions. Places like Target, the post office, restaurants, and indoor play areas top the list. This has thrown me into a torrent of introspection and evaluation of the impact of our interactions with our offspring. The subject matter of this edition of mommy gram has to do with how we view our children, that is, the lens we peer through when we observe, evaluate and respond to their behavior. It is my hope that I can call attention to the vast importance of viewing a child as a child, with a set of imperfect skills and childish intentions rather than as a pint-sized adult with devious motives. ************************************ What is she talking about? Let me start with an example. I awoke remembering a vignette in a book i read once by a christian author (i wish i could remember?) who recounted an experience with his mother that he saw as a turning point in his life. the story started with the author in question being falsely accused of something and subsequently called into the principal's office at his school, with his mother arriving to bail him out of school "jail" and discuss his behavioral issues with the authority figure. he fully expected to get slammed by both adults, but upon hearing the account from the principal's perspective, the mother's response was, 'that doesn't sound like anything my boy would do, nor would he be capable of doing..he is not that type of person'. this totally shocked both the principal and the boy, who later became an influencial evangelist and author. i remember reading this at a key point in the lives of our boys, and thinking that God was trying to tell me something. ************************************* as is often the case, the Lord gives us a chance to practice what we learn from the lessons HE teaches....so not long after this, we embarked on one of the most horrible middle school YEARS we had ever had with our kids. our youngest, BJ, landed himself in a 6th grade classroom with the 'Atilla the Hun' of teachers. daily beatings to his self esteem ensued. each time i went to school to discuss his treatment, the blame was turned on BJ and ultimately our failure as his parents, and his treatment got worse. i resolved to not speak with this teacher after the 3rd or 4th time, but on my final salvo with her and her team-teacher counterpart, i remember telling them that their observations of BJ's behavior and character were completely incorrect, and that THEY were the ones who had misjudged him; i.e., the problem was with THEM....the supposed adults in the situation. this ultimately resulted in our getting BJ a tutor to help him with his reading and language, at a cost that rivaled college tuition at the time, but was worth it 100 times over. his tutor was fabulous. she was his advocate, and required i attend all of our weekly sessions with him. she taught us about his auditory processing deficit, and why he interpreted language and instructions the way he did. she taught him how to compensate for this, and how this affected his behavior. instead of calling him stupid, and making him retake the same tests over and over, she helped him see his strengths. because i was there with him, i learned too. she taught me that i had been right about him all along...and that it was okay to believe in him. more about the ending to the story later. ************************************* so what does this have to do with you, young woman with toddlers and pre-school or school aged children, you say? IT IS OKAY TO BELIEVE THE BEST ABOUT YOUR CHILD AND SAY IT OUT LOUD TO OTHERS AND TO THEM. example: two children are playing together, parallel play or otherwise... on playground equipment...it does not matter...via an unwitnessed event, one of them is seated on the ground and starts crying. one mother responds, 'sally! did you push sara down?' now why would she assume the worst about her child? she didn't see the altercation. by what evidence does she make this judgement of her child and what outcomes does it put in motion? does she say this because the child has a history of hitting or pushing other children? who knows? the point is, her child is automatically assumed to be in the wrong, or to have some personality or character flaw that must not be tolerated. this speaks volumes to the child about trust, fairness and WILL affect her self esteem, and will lead to dishonesty. i had so many adults, friends, pre-school teachers, say in front of BJ, 'he sure is a cocky little boy', OR 'he is so spoiled....you better get a handle on his behavior'. really? i got so my response to them IN FRONT OF OUR SON was, 'really? i don't see him that way, i see him as confident...does that threaten you in some way?' frankly, that shut them up. inside i was saying, 'boy, i sure hope i am right about him'. he turned out okay, so al and i must have been on the right track. the great thing, is that al and i agreed that these people were wrong when they said things like this, because we knew him better than they did. we saw him being compassionate with the one kid in the class that had no friends, or the helping the one kid who sucked at roller hockey score a goal. i have so many other stories like this about our boys, but suffice it to say, that the Lord got to us early as parents and we BELIEVED Him, that we were to be our children's biggest advocates. If they didn't want to kiss aunt rose good bye, then 'so be it'...how else would they learn boundaries with their emotions and their bodies? aunt rose was to be respected, but so were THEY!(more on this in the next edition of this blog....) ****************************************** believing the best about your child does not negate them from discipline when they actually HAVE committed an offense; just be sure that they have done something to deserve discipline before meting out the consequence. don't assume the worst if you don't know the facts; ask them. DO assume the best about them and tell them, often, what they are good at. they will grow up to see themselves the way you see them. this is the extreme burden of parenthood, and why DAILY we must ask for wisdom for our actions towards others and toward ourselves. have you examined your self image today? if you see your child as an extension of yourself and your faults, negative intentions, fears, and hidden agendas you will falsely accuse them of many ulterior motives for their behavior than are actually there, and this can be one of the most damaging things you can do as a parent. ask the Lord to transform your mind and your prideful ways so that you are not treating your child in a certain way to earn the respect of your peers or your own parents. don't repeat generational idiocy to save face. you are a precious jewel, and so are your little ones. treat them as such and shout THIS from the rooftops. Oh, by the way...the ending to the middle school story? Each year at 8th grade continuation one boy and one girl were named EMS student of the year. BJ received that award. After my initial pleasure, shock, and surprise wore off, I remember thinking, "I wonder if his 6th grade teacher is here".